


As Is

by RioRiley



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Cancer, Crying, F/M, Hurt Peter, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, Illnesses, No Sex, Sad, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21753388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: "Would you date me if I wasnt dying?" Peter asks."Id still date you as is." MJ says with a sad smile.The one where Peter Parker, gets a brain tumor and shit hits the fan.
Relationships: Michelle Jones & Peter Parker
Comments: 8
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

It turns out super-healing spider DNA is no match for cancer, and that's pretty fucking lame. It also turns out that the universe doesn't give a damn,  
about whether or not you've helped save it. Or how many bad guys you've caught, or even how many people lived through some pretty horrific shit because of you. The universe doesn't care, that Peter is a senior in high school now. That he should be stressing about graduating and how all his extracurriculars, and -extra- curricular super hero duties are going to look on his college applications. He wonders if the fact that he's Spider-Man, and that is common knowledge, will get him into any school regardless of his GPA. The universe doesn't care that Peter is still genuinely grieving over the loss of Tony. The universe doesn't care about how much shit Peter has had to deal with, or all the losses May has already gone through. The universe just plain doesn't discriminate. Or give a single shit for that matter.

It's a Thursday morning, about a month into his senior year of high school, when Peter passes out in the middle of gym class. He had been feeling like shit all morning. Dizzy. Instable. Weak. And his hands lately, had been constantly feeling like pins and needles. Which is different than the Peter Tingle. He'd been throwing up periodically over the past few weeks. But until that point, he'd just chalked it up to being nothing really out of the ordinary. The thing is, deep down he knew something was wrong. He knew he should have asked Bruce, or even Stephen about all the symptoms. But the same part of him that knew something was wrong, also had this wild theory that if he didn't acknowledge that anything was wrong, everything would be fine.

That theory worked pretty well for him, leading up to him passing out on the hard faux wood gym flooring, when he had a seizure in front of Ned. 

Ned was scared shitless.

They had been running the all mighty pacer test, and both he and Ned had given up and taken seats at the bleachers. Ned was telling Peter about The Avengers tower Lego set that had just been released, and how it comes with little Lego Avengers, he even brought Peter the little Spiderman one and tried to hand it to him, and that's when he noticed that Peter hadn't been responding for a few minutes of the conversation, and when he looked up, Peter was zoned out. Staring at his lap. 

"Hey Peter?" Ned asked, moving his hand in front of Peter's field of vision. Peter didn't so much as flinch. "Dude, are you alright?" 

Peter looked at Ned, eyes glazed, dazed, and confused. His muscles tense up, and then he falls forward, off the bench and onto the floor. Ned gets onto the ground with him, quickly. Peters muscles, arms, and legs tense up, tight as a board, for a few seconds.

"Peter?!" Ned yelled

Coach Wilson is next to them within a few seconds, and the entire class seems to be circled around them. Coach looks at Ned, who is wide eyed, and looks like he could break down in tears in half a second.

"Ned, I can help him. He's going to be okay." Coach says, putting a hand on Ned's shoulder. 

Then, Ned feels helpless. He watches as Coach is joined by the school nurses, and as they flip Peter onto his side. He watches as Peter's body starts to shake violently. His fists clenching and unclenching repeatedly. His head bobbing on and off the hard ground until one of the students in the crowd has offered up his sweatshirt, and coach has bundled it underneath Peters head, so that it hits against the slightly cushioned ground instead of bobbing solely against the hardwood. It's the scariest thing he's ever seen. There's a wet spot, growing on Peters sweatpants. Ned hopes to whatever god actually exists, that no one is going to make fun of Peter for pissing himself, but deep down he knows it's going to happen. Peters laying there on his side, flopping like a fish out of water, while the teacher and nurses crowd him, trying to whisper comforting things to him as if politely asking him to stop seizing is going to make a difference.

The worst part though, is hearing the sounds of his breathing. Is ragged. It's loud. And everyone else in the room is so quiet that it's the only around that can be heard, aside form the noises Peters limbs, and head, make as they hit against the hard floor. 

He stops eventually. He wakes up, and he throws up everywhere. Hes crying. Coach leads Ned back over to him, granting Peter the familiar face as he's loaded onto a stretcher. 

"Peter, you're going to be okay. Promise." Ned says quietly, as Peter is loaded into an ambulance. 

"Please be okay." Ned says quieter.

Peter is not okay.

The next time Ned sees Peter, he's lying in a hospital bed. There are wires everywhere. Mays crying. So is MJ, who is say in a hard plastic chair next to Peter. Ned doesn't cry. He just sits on the other side of Peter, and holds his hand. No homo, he would joke if the situation were less bleak. 

Peter has a brain tumor.

Ned was there when Peter found out. May had been away, on her honeymoon with Happy. She and Happy caught the first flight they could get back to New York. But it still took them a few hours to get there. In that time, the hospital did an MRI on Peter, which is standard procedure after a seizure, and that's when they found it. A large, tumor at the base of Peters brain, impacting his spinal cord. The doctor, delivered the news, apologised, and then left them alone.

Peter looked up at Ned, tears in his eyes, and with his absolute best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, said, "It's not a tooooooohmah."

They cried.

Ned pulled out his laptop, thinking that if Peter knew the specifics about the tumor, it might make him feel better. It didn't. It's a rare type of Chordoma. At the base of Peters spine, but also entangled in Peters brain. Low survival chances. Which means high chances that Peter will die. Knowing that certainly didn't make him feel any better. Ned decides alongside Peter that Google, while having been their third best friend throughout childhood, is a mortal enemy in this circumstance.

The hospital sends Peter home. There's nothing they can do for him aside from offer pain medications. There's no treatment options. They even have the nerve to send May on her way with him accompanied by pamphlets on hospice and end of life care. They say he won't make it to graduation.

He gets cards in the mail from the team. As if get well soons can cure cancer. Cards from Clint and his wife. Drawings from his kids. He wonders how Clint explained it. And as stupid as it sounds he's curious, if he did tell them, whether he said that Peter is dying, or if he said Spider-Man is. And for whatever reason, hed prefer knowing that Clint didn't do a lot of explaining. He hopes his kids don't know the details. He receives similar drawings from Morgan, and a card with ornate flowers from Pepper. Morgans drawing hits Peter somewhere deep. It's of him, dressed up as Spider-Man, and Tony as Iron Man. Both of their uniforms given the morbid addiction of wings, and halos. That freaks Peter out. Not just the idea of flying, or the concept of being dead, but the idea that he's going to potentially see Tony again, if that's the kind of thing that can happen in the afterlife.

Pepper insists that he and May move into the compound. Peter can receive around the clock medical care there in comfort, and he'll be surrounded by people who care about him, and it will save May the money she would have spent on her apartment in Queens. May agrees, and is thankful. Peters thankful too, but insists he still gets to go to school. He's got this crazy desire to be able to graduate with everyone else. 

MJ is scared of the idea of Peter being in school every day, and has this horrible fear that Peter is just going to drop dead right in front of her at some point. Or worse That he is just going to die or even have a seizure in a class like English where he doesn't have any friends. So she goes to the school counselor and has them arrange her school schedule so that she's in all of his classes with him, and in the one class she can't rearrange, she convinces Ned to keep a close eye on him. 

The first week back in school is hard for Peter. No one at school aside from the administration knows about his brain tumor, but everyone has heard about his seizure by now. He'll everyone knew about that within an hour of it happening. People look at Peter cautiously. They worry about him. People who didn't care about him before, people who before had jumped on the Penis Parker bandwagon, are now asking if he's okay.

He doesn't know how he is supposed to answer that. He's not okay. He's dying. But he doesn't want anyone to know that yet. So he just tells everyone that he's doing better, and thanks them for asking. Then he starts an impromptu conversation with MJ in order to avoid the confrontation from anyone else.

In fact, MJ is pretty much the only person Peter really opens up to about the whole dying thing. They talk a lot after school. Usually she will ride with him back to the compound, and they'll spend hours, laying on Peters bed or couch, talking about everything.

And MJ isn't afraid to ask him about anything. And Peter likes that. He likes that she doesn't walk on eggshells around him. She doesn't constantly worry about offending him. 

"This kinda sucks." She says one day when they are just laying together on his bed. Peter laughs.

"Which part?" Peter asks, laughing.

"All of it." MJ says with a deep breath. "Like you saved the world Peter. And this shouldn't be happening to you." 

"There's no reason I shouldn't have it." Peter says with a shrug. "Nobody deserves it. It just happens." 

"What's going to happen in the end?" MJ asks quietly, voice evident with concern.

Peter rolls into his side, facing MJ, and giving her a sad smile. "The tumors going to keep growing. I'll have more seizures, lose mobility, and become paralyzed. And pretty quick after that point, I guess I'll just die." 

"So you'll be in a wheelchair?" MJ asks, raising her right eyebrow.

Peter shrugs again. "Yeah. I wish Tony was here. He'd make sure the chair was at least turbo boosted or some shit." Peter says. He and MJ both laugh. She can tell Peter is nervous, and scared.

Peter spends a lot of nights, laying in His Bed, in the middle of MJ and Ned. Usually they'll watch something funny, and Peter will often fall asleep within the first half of the movie. But Ned and MJ stay, watching multiple movies in a row, mostly because they just don't want to leave him. They don't want to miss out on the memories.

MJ is there for a lot of Peters seizures, and she handles them better than anyone aside from May. She knows how to keep Peter comfortable, and prevent him from hurting himself during a seizure. The easiest place for him to be when it happens, is in his bed. Because it's a soft surface, and there's nothing around him for him to hurt himself on. 

The worst place it's happened, was while Peter was in the bathroom, showering one night. MJ had been on the couch in Peter's room, and he'd had a good day. He was getting into the shower and the two of them had planned to go walk around central park. She had been sitting, waiting for him to get cleaned up so that they could go, when she heard a loud crash come from the bathroom. She was quick to get up and head to the bathroom door.

"Peter?" MJ shouted with concern. He didn't respond. But she could hear the flopping noises that were evident of a seizure. She opens the door, and his foot is sticking out from the shower stall, she can see it writhing.

She runs into the bathroom, and quickly turns off the hot water that sprays down on Peter, not even having any thought of covering his nude form with a towel. It's just not something that matters in the moment. The seizure only lasts for two and a half minutes, and afterwards, once Peter has started to regain consciousness, MJ pulls him out of the shower stall, and puts his head in her lap, draping a towel over his waist.

That's the most embarrassed Peter ever was after a seizure, no matter how hard MJ tried to brush it off. He showers wearing a pair of swim trunks after that.

May picks up a lot of extra shifts at the hospital because she refuses to let any of the team pay for her and Peters living expenses, or Peters medical expenses for that matter. When Mays at work, Peter just sleeps. He does that a lot more as the cancer progresses. He's tired all the time. Usually when he's home alone, another member of the team will come and sit with him. Usually, it's Pepper. She comes over, and will usually make him some food, and then they watch a movie, or sit on the balcony, overlooking the city. 

Those are some of Peter's favorite evenings. When he and Pepper just sit on the balcony, looking out at the city as the sun sets. Pepper bring Peter peace. She helps him overcome his fears about how his friends are going to handle him going.

"Do you think May will be okay?" Peter asks one evening.

"I know she will. She's strong Peter." Pepper says, reassuring Peter as she kisses the top of his head.

"She's lost so much." Peter says with a sigh. "I hate to just be another person who leaves her."

"Peter you're worth so much more than that. And i think, if I have learned anything from losing Tony, it's that i haven't really lost him at all." Pepper says with a soft smile.

"What do you mean?" Peter asks.

"Tonys still here. Everyone who loves him keeps his spirit alive. I can still feel him around sometimes. I think, wherever people go when they die, they get to check in sometimes." Pepper says confidently.

"When have you felt him?" Peter asks curiously.

"He was there on Morgans first day of school. It's just this feeling, where sometimes it's like he never left." Pepper explains reverently.

She brings Morgan a few times. 

It's all hard for Morgan to understand. She knows what death is. She learned that with her dad. But she can't grasp the concept that Peter can be dying for so long. The concept that he can be dying but not that close to death. It raises a lot of questions from her. How long her dad had to be dying, before he was dead, and why it was taking Peter so much longer. She asks if her dad was in as much pain as Peter is. She doesn't understand why there is nothing she can do to make him feel better. Peter knows, deep down, that the idea of him dying, scares Morgan.

Sometimes, Steve comes by. He's tired too, So he doesn't always make for the best company, but when he's lucid, and down to talk about anything, Peter really enjoys being around him. 

It's late one night in December right before the High School Christmas break, Mays on a grave shift, and Peter, he's starting to deteriorate. He can't go to school as often anymore. He hates that. He hates being stuck alone. Because it makes everything more real. He spends most of his time sleeping, and he's not awake during normal hours. So, they're sitting there, Peter and Steve, and Peter had been having the worst headache he had had so far. It had been so bad that he had been throwing up. Steve sat there, next to him in the bathroom patting his back. 

"Steve, will you tell me about what you did, when you went back?" Peter says slowly, sitting next to Steve on the couch. 

Steve looks at Peter and smiles, ready to tell Peter, no, just like he had with everyone else. But he doesn't. Steve tells Peter stories that he refuses to tell anyone else. He talks about the time he spent with Peggy, after the heist. About their kids. He tells Peter all about his life, knowing Peter won't have the privilege of even living a third as long as he had. That's a shame too.

"I will, but you gotta keep it between us." Steve says with a smile. Peter smiles weakly. 

Steve tells Peter how nervous he was, as he walked up the front steps of Peggy's home. How nervous he was. How his heart was thumping fast, as he raised his fist to her door. He tells him about her sweet face, when she looked through the screen door to see him. He explains that she opened the door, and jumped into hug him, her legs wrapped around his waist as she sobbed. He explains that he went In, about three years after Captain America had crashed. And that when he saw Peggy, she had a lot of questions, naturally. And that he promised he would answer all of them for her, but that he wanted to hold her first. He tells Peter that before the crash he had promised Peggy a dance. That as soon as they had both stopped crying, they danced. He tells Peter, that he and Peggy danced together every single night after he came back. He explains that he lived his life, just normal. That he felt content that he had saved the world enough. That he spent his time when he came back, enjoying every moment the way he believes God intended. He tells Peter about the birth of their children. About the joy that came from being a father. About how amazing it was, to hear those babies cry, see them crawl, walk and talk.

Most of the time though, the time Peter spends when May is working, is spent with MJ. She's there all the time. She's one of the people that when they come over, Peter knows he can relax. That he doesn't have to entertain her with conversation. He knows That if he is tired when She's over, he can sleep. MJ is really in tune with him. She can see it in his face when he's uncomfortable. She knows which pills to grab and how much to give him. She's good for rubbing his back. But she's just as good for in depth conversation.

"Do you think, when I die, people are going to remember me just for being Spider-Man, like they do with Tony?" Peter asks her one night.

"At school, they still keep playing videos in my classes about his legacy. They're calling it an Iron Legacy. He would have hated that." Peter says, crying, but with the slightest hint of a smile.

"Peter, Tony Stark loved attention. Everyone knew that." MJ says with a smile.

"But 'iron Legacy' how lame is that?" Peter says laughing. "He was so much more than Iron Man." Peter says.

"I know." MJ says. "And you're so much more than Spider-Man. But, that's what the world is going to remember him for, and chances are it's how they'll remember you. But it's been your job to remember and remind people of all the other things that made Tony special, and then it will be everyone who knew you's job to remember you for everything other than Spider-Man." MJ says with a smile.

"He was so much more than Iron man." Peter says with a sad smile. He would have done anything for anyone. He loved being around people, and it didn't matter to him if the people were there to use him. He loved giving. He loved serving and saving others. Tony's goal in life was to make people feel important. To make people feel loved. He made Peter feel like he was the most important person in the world. "I'm not that special." Peter says honestly.

"Yeah you are." MJ says. "Peter you're the kind of person who finds just as much value in walking an old lady across the street as you find in saving the world. And that's something special." 

"Wait, why are you crying?" Peter asks her. MJ shrugs. 

"I just wish you could see how important you are." MJ says quietly.

About a week after that MJ takes Peter out on the town. Neither of them know at that point, that it's the last time Peter will ever walk through the city on foot. They go to Delmar's in Queens, and they eat all the sandwiches they can handle while talking with Delmar. That's the last time Peter will ever see him. And the last time he ever has a sandwich from him, bread squished like he likes it.

"MJ, can I ask you something stupid?" Peter says quietly as they walk out of Delmar's

"Go ahead." MJ says with a hint of a smile.

"Would you date me if I wasn't dying?" Peter asks quickly.

"You're right that was stupid." MJ says with a sad laugh. 

"Wait, why?" Peter says laughing.

"Because I'd still date you, as is." MJ says with a sad smile.

"Oh." Peter says. 

"I love you Peter. I don't care if I don't get to love you for very long." MJ says, and Peter pulls her into a tight hug.

"I love you too MJ." Peter says into her neck.

They walk through Central Park, looking at the lit up trees, holding hands. They kiss. Twice.

It's during Christmas break, while he's asleep, with MJ in the bed next to him, her head on his chest, when Peter feels a sudden pop, a twinge of pain, and then nothing. He wakes up startled, and unable to move. 

"MJ. Something's wrong." Peter says, urgently hoping the tone will wake her up. She stirs, and sits up, looking at him. "I can't move." Peter says, starting to panic and hyperventilate. MJ looks alarmed quickly.

"I need to go get May." She says determined. Peter nods his head, tears falling down his face that he can't even wipe away.

That night marks the end of Peters so called independence. After that, he's either in his bed, or in a Stephen Hawking style wheelchair. May doesn't work anymore. She's around him all the time, not only making sure that he's okay, but seemingly just being around him so she doesn't forget what it was like to be with him. His mobility doesn't come back. But, as a cruel twist of fate his limbs are just as mobile while in a seizure state as they were before the tumor damaged his spine to the point of paralysis. It also, set off his body. He has four or five seizures a week on average. And if he's honest, he's ready for everything to be over. He's ready to die. 

MJ still comes around with Ned often, probably even more than before. Peter can't go to school anymore. So they come over, almost every day, to try and take his mind off of things and entertain him in a way. Ned used to come over with Lego sets, since that used to be his and Peters thing. But Peter can't build them anymore. So Ned doesn't bring those around anymore. He mostly just watches movies with him now. 

MJ decides she had better make good of the time for Peter, so she takes it upon herself to read Peter his class textbooks, so that he is still caught up, even though it doesn't really matter if he is or not. But MJ is convinced that somehow Peter might still get better, that he might make it to graduation and maybe even college. She even makes up little quizzes for him, that she gives him verbally. She also goes to all of his teachers, and gets all of his homework that they will give her. She does a lot of the homework for him while he sleeps, because she's determined to keep his GPA up. There are a lot of little things like that that matter to her. Peter thinks it's cute.

MJs there at all times during the weekend. May let's her sleep in his room with him. They've moved Peter into a hospital bed in his room, so most nights MJ sleeps in his old bed. Every now and then she climbs into the hospital bed with Peter, and wraps his arms around herself.

They talk more about death as it looms closer.

"Do you think dying is going to hurt?" Peter asks casually one night.

"You can barely feel anything as is so if anything your head will hurt and that can't be too bad" MJ says laughing.

"What are your thoughts on the afterlife?" Peter asks quietly.

"I've never really thought about it. I don't want to live my life based on the next life." MJ says honestly.

"I wonder if my parents will be there. Or Tony." Peter says quietly. "I wonder what they'll think of me."

"There's no reason for them to be anything but proud." MJ says quieter.

"Will you haunt me?" MJ asks laughing. "You could do my bidding."

"Sure. I owe it to you." Peter says, laughing hysterically. 

May spends a lot of time with Peter alone now. They don't do as much talking as he does with MJ and Ned, but It's just as meaningful. She comes, and brings takeout from all their favorite restaurants, and then feeds them to Peter. He enjoys it. She's also got a sixth sense, and knows when things are starting to get worse. She knows in the morning, if it's the kind of day where Peter is going to have more seizures than normal. She is the first to notice, even before Peter, when he starts to slur his words, and when he starts to forget things. May is also the first to decide, long ago, that Peter somehow got the most cruel form of cancer on the planet. That some boy, who is a genius and a freaking superhero, has a tumor that wont just kill him like any other fucking brain tumor, it's going to take his mobility and memory before it has the decency to kill him.

Peter starts forgetting people. He forgets who Morgan is. She's the first to escape his memory. He forgets Clint, Steve, Bucky, and Bruce. Stephen, Peter Quill, and Thor. He forgets the whole team. One by one. Even the memories of Tony escape him.

There comes a time, when Peter forgets who Ned is. He simply doesn't remember him anymore, and no matter how many times people tell Ned it's nothing personal, Ned can't handle it. It hurts too much. It hurts Peter too, because he knows, by the way that Ned looks at him, that he knows him. The heartbreak etched into Neds face when Peter can't recognise who he is anymore, hurts Peter deep.

MJ still comes over every day. She tells Peter that she's a tutor, sent from the school to help him with his classwork until he gets better. It hurts her too, knowing Peter doesn't know her anymore, but she can't hate to leave him. She can't abandon him.

She comes into the compound after school, on a warm day in April. May let's her inside, leading her to Peter's room the same way she has every day for the four months it's been since Peter remembered who she was. May opens the door, after knocking. Peters there, on his bed. He looks tired. He's starting to lose weight, and genuinely look ill. He looks the part of terminal cancer. 

MJ smiles a closed mouth smile at him, and waves. 

"Hey Peter! My names MJ. Your highschool sent me to tutor you, until you're better. Is that okay?" She asks. Peter nods his head yes, as always.

"How are you feeling today?" She asks him quietly.

Peter shrugs. "I'm ready to die." MJ gives him a sad smile, her eyes welling up with tears as she gives him a solemn nod.

"So, in history class, right now were talking about the avengers initiative. Have you ever heard of that?" MJ asks, hoping Peter still remembers a little bit. Peter shakes his head, no. He doesn't remember.

"That's okay. I'd love to tell you all about it." MJ says with a sad smile.

MJ tells Peter Parker all about Spider-Man, completely bypassing the existence of the other heroes, to talk about her favorite. The love of her life. She tells him about Tony Stark recruiting him, and about the accords. She tells him about Tony. About how well they got along, and how much Iron Man loved Spider-Man. She tells him about Homecoming. About how much She wished he had asked her. She tells him about the time Spider-Man saved her debate team in Washington. About the times he saved her and the rest of their class, in Europe. She tells him how he was jealous of a younger guy catching her attention. She tells him about the black dalia necklace. She tells him about the first time they kissed. She tells him about his best friend Ned. She tells him about the time he swung her through New York City. She tells him about how Spider-Man fell in love, with a girl who was lucky to have him. 

"Sounds like you really like this Spider guy." Peter slurs softly, starting to fall asleep.

"He's my absolute favorite." MJ says with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey! So I'm in college, and I've written an actual book. Like paper. Physical copy book. I have lived writing on Ao3, and I owe the world to my people here who have read the things I have written. It means the world.

Check out my book:   
https://www.blurb.com/b/10367532-sicker


End file.
